


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose

by jvngfs



Category: Winner (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drug Addiction, M/M, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 11:30:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4623729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jvngfs/pseuds/jvngfs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They're a bit lonely and a bit broken inside but they find what they were longing for in each other. It's the breathless quest of two people in need of recognition and living in the urgency of finding a place where they belong to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the movie Sid and Nancy, the punk movement and Taehyun's and Mino's new styles.

Taehyun is eighteen the first time he does heroin. It's his birthday and one of his friend, Seungyoon, - not really a friend, just someone who's nice enough to hang out and drink beer with him - offers. He says it'll only be a one time thing, to celebrate, it'll make Taehyun feel nice. Taehyun accepts because fuck it, he should at least try it once. They're at Seungyoon's house but his parents aren't there and Seungyoon is nice, accompanying Taehyun through all of it, telling him that it's not as bad as people say it is. And Taehyun believes him.

-

Two years later, Taehyun hasn't seen Seungyoon in so long that he barely remembers his name and face. He's currently waiting for his subway train. It's late at night and pretty cold - he only has his t-shirt and leather jacket on - but he needs his dose. It's been hard lately, especially since he left his parents house. He has to do little jobs or ask for charity but it doesn't work well when people can tell by your eyes that you have been consuming or when you're wearing torn Doc Martens and dark clothes. Still, Taehyun manages. He has to.

Tonight he'll go to a guy he knows. He stopped doing heroin - as he brags - to start selling. He often lets Taehyun borrows when he's in the mood or when Taehyun's willing to jerk him off. It doesn't happen often because Taehyun always tries to earn enough money but tonight is different. Tonight he's desperate; he hasn't eaten in a few days and he has been enduring the withdrawal symptoms for a few hours now.

 

That's where he meets Mino for the first time. He has bleached hair and an oversized t-shirt on and he's smoking on the couch. Taehyun doesn't notice him at first because there's always people sleeping or hanging out in that place but the blond hair catches his eyes. They exchange a polite nod and that's it.

He doesn't know how it happens, if it's because Mino offers to share a dose or if it's because because Taehyun is so desperate that he hangs into Mino like his life depends on it, but they end up staying together. 

Mino says Taehyun is beautiful, that he looks even better when he's high and his head is rolling backwards. Taehyun asks if he has money for buying and Mino answers that it doesn't matter, they can make money together. Taehyun chuckles and that's an agreement.

-

They start spending their days together after that. They leave the guy's apartment and Mino shows him new way to make easy money; like playing music on the streets or pick pocketing tourists. It's thrilling and it makes everything easier. Mino's here with him and they're stronger together. He always finds enough to buy for both of them and a place to stay at night - whether it's a cheap motel or an empty apartment or an acquaintance's place. It's enough to be happy. It's enough to feel good. 

-

The first time they have sex it's right after Mino took the needle out of his arm and he's pressing himself against Taehyun. They're in narrow and dirty motel room but it's okay because they got their doses and the loud music coming from outside reverberate exhilaratingly in their ears. It's hard to get turned on or to orgasm under drugs, people say but Taehyun thinks it's all lies because his back is arching off the ground and his legs instinctively wrap themselves really tightly around Mino's waist in a second.

Mino's licking or kissing his neck, he isn't sure, but he feels him pull lightly at the choker he's wearing and his breathing quickens. 

Soon he's writhing against the dirty floor, skin bare and goose fleshed, Mino dragging his tongue from his ribs down to his hips and Taehyun is squirming in impatience. Mino is shaking a bit too, when he removes his white t-shirt and reveals his toned chest, and Taehyun can't tell whether if it's because he's high or because of the excitement. 

They're both so hard it hurts and yet they enjoy the long seconds of skin sliding skin and kisses scattered all over each other's bodies. 

When Mino finally bends Taehyun's legs to rest in between and take his wrists to secure them above his head, Taehyun can already feel the familiar burn of his climax nearing in his stomach. Mino says he's beautiful once again, adds he loves him and even though you can't trust a drug addict words, especially when he just took his dose, Taehyun still believes him fully. He loves him back so hard Taehyun thinks he might suffocate but he doesn't because Mino is pushing in and Taehyun's thighs clasps around his hips. 

It doesn't take long before Taehyun's back is hurting from scratching against the floor and Mino's pace has become erratic. They come with a mix of moans and muffled cries and Taehyun is certain that having sex on drugs is better than without. Mino eventually collapses against him, rolling away and they fall asleep just like that, naked and sweaty but fully spent. Taehyun never felt better in his whole life.

-

The days with Mino turn into months and nothing's boring. Mino always manages to make the best out of everything, to make Taehyun discover amazing things every day, even when they're sleeping on benches outside or don't eat properly, it's still okay because they're together. It's still okay because Mino's always there to squeeze Taehyun's arm with his fingers while he's getting his fix.

Tonight, Mino drags Taehyun to a place he never went before. Even before entering the dark building they can hear the music blasting from outside. A girl is smoking in front and smiles at them. Mino tightens his hold around his shoulder. Taehyun's heart is beating fast in his chest.

The music is deafening and the singer - a lanky guy with pink hair - keeps screaming in his shitty mic. People are jumping and dancing wildly in front of the stage and it feels good. The lyrics are about some kind of sexual intercourse or maybe about jobless people but either way, it's more exciting than anything Taehyun ever listened to before.

Mino drags him to the crowd where they bump into people hardly and start shaking their heads to the rhythm. Mino is laughing and shouting beside him and soon they're covered in sweat and are bruised all over. Still, it feels amazing. The carelessness is intoxicating, it's better than anything Taehyun ever experienced before. He knows it may be because of the drugs, because of the substances in his system that he's feeling that good but either way, he never felt that thrilled before. He never felt so alive.

They end up at the bar, ordering tons of drinks that they gulp down in one shots and run away without paying - they didn't have the money anyway. That night, they wander around the streets of the city for a while, stumbling a bit, scaring the few people still walking around, stopping once in a while against a pole or a tree to kiss. 

They're in their own world, in their sweet own world and it's electrifying. 

-

A few weeks later, they convince one of their dealers to let them stay at his place. They eat half of the food in the fridge and fuck in almost every room but they can't care less. At least they can shower properly and they search carefully through the whole apartment until they find the spot where he hides his drugs and they empty it almost completely.

Mino shaves the side of Taehyun's head with an old razor they find in the bathroom before leaving, then he kisses the soft skin as if he's scared it hurts. "You look hot like this," he tells him with a smile and Taehyun chuckles. He looks at his reflection in the mirror, at the dark make up around his eyes and the way his locks falls in front of his eyes and he wants to agree. 

Mino puts his head on the tub and starts bleaching his short hair again. Taehyun helps him, holding his breath at the strong scent and then Mino's drying his head, kissing him and they're out on the streets again. 

People stare at them a lot. They look different. Sometimes Taehyun wonders if they can tell they're junkies, probably not, but they're scared anyway. Who wouldn't? The society isn't used to young people wearing leather clothes or to young men with bleached hair and oversized t-shirts. Taehyun likes it, all the silent stares telling him he looks weird. He enjoys it. 

-

Taehyun never thought it could be possible to love someone that much but he does. He can't see anyone else but Mino and Mino can't help but get into fights when people stare a little too long at Taehyun. It isn't healthy, he knows it. The bond is too strong, too powerful to last forever and yet even the pain, Taehyun enjoys it. "You guys will end up getting messed up," their dealer tells them one day and maybe he's right but none of them care enough to listen to him. Not that the words of a dealer matter that much anyway.

-

They get into a fight with some skinheads two days later because they don't have enough money to repay them. Mino gets hit right across the face and Taehyun can't help but throw himself against the guy, fists clenched and knees digging in his stomach. 

They end up running away, blood dripping down Taehyun's nose on his leather jacket and the cold sweat of withdrawal sliding down his spine. "Maybe we should get out of the city," Mino says then, rubbing his bruised face.

"What for?" Taehyun doesn't mean to sound annoyed but he's cold and hurting and everything seems so fucked up. For a second he thinks about going back home to his mother but then he looks down to his skinny jeans and spotty arms and he knows he can't.

"Drugs are expensive around here and we have many debt. Maybe we should just try it out elsewhere, you know, be happy and shit. Maybe even quit." Mino offers for the first time, voice filled with hopefulness and Taehyun wonders if he means it. 

"Yeah, maybe we should." Suddenly running away sounds like freedom and Taehyun almost believes that it will make them forget about all the shit they're going through. 

-

Mino assures him he rented the car but Taehyun can tell he's most likely lying. He doesn't care much though, as long as it allows them to get away from here, from the place he lived in his whole life in and who turned him into what he is now. A junkie. At least he has Mino, he comforts himself. Mino is the best thing that ever happened to him. The only one that can make him happy.

He went to his parents' house yesterday, to gather some clothes before leaving. His mother tried to hold him back, tried to ask where he was going, why he was so skinny, who he met that changed him that way but he couldn't answer any of the questions so he pushed her away and banged the door behind him. He wonders if we will ever see her again, if Mino still goes to his parents sometimes and he concludes that probably not.

-

They escape the polluted city and its nasty air to another one, a smaller one but as gloomy and dirty. They stay around for a bit, meeting with new people - some prostitutes who have the best heroin Taehyun ever had -, a group of punks who write poetry and angry songs. Then, in the next city, they meet some activists who try to convince them that politic will help them change the society. Taehyun and Mino doesn't care much about the society. 

Their journey never ends. It's an infinite meeting of cities and people, of random places and junkies, of cigarettes and alcohol. 

What was supposed to liberating, what was supposed to make them feel better, that trip they wanted to do, actually turns to be more destructive than what they were expecting. The world is falling apart around them. They don't have a goal anymore, they don't anything anymore.

They try to cope with what they have, to find happiness in the few things they have left but soon it's all useless. They're in a huge apartment who they suppose belong to someone's family but the floor is dirtied with food and empty doses and the walls full of graffitis. 

Taehyun lies around, the heroin slowly making him feel like he's sleeping in cotton and he looks around, at what they have become, at Mino and thinks about how they started this trip filled with hope but nothing really changed. It worsened. It became hard to go on.

-

They get taken by the police one evening as they're coming out of a concert place and one of the officer spots them. It's easy to tell, that they are the kind of people who carry drugs. They get thrown in the blue car and then in a grey cell but it's alright. "It's the first time we're being caught, they won't keep us," Mino assures Taehyun as they're sitting on the sticky floor and he slings one of his arm around his shoulders.

It doesn't end this easily though. The policemen take a look at their arms and eyes, call their families who say they didn't heard from them in months and then ask them to go see a doctor. They go because they don't want to pay the fines for participating to an illegal grouping and for having being found owning drugs.

Mino holds his hand through the whole process, through the patients scrutinizing them, through the blinding white hallways, whispering that it's okay, that it won't be long before they can go back to their lives.

The doctor says they won't last another year if they keep going like this. 

Mino says it's bullshits, that it doesn't matter if they live or die anyway. 

And then they're out on the streets and Taehyun hears the grey-haired old doctor tell him that with people like him it's not about who's going to overdose but when. 

-

Things start going downhill from that point; the lack of money, the constant seek for drugs, the fights they get in, none of that feels exhilarating anymore. Taehyun is just tired, tired of waking up without remembering anything from yesterday beside his need for heroin. The loud concerts aren't fun anymore, traveling either. 

They fight the first time when their car break and they have to leave it on the side of the road. They walk to the next city by feet, legs wobbly and sweating, hungry and suffering the withdrawal symptoms once again. It's always about trying to go forward without really succeeding. For the first time Taehyun sincerely thinks about leaving all that, leaving Mino even if he loves him but it doesn't last long before he realizes that now they have no one else but each other; no families members that care for them, no more friends to call, nothing but themselves and the void future that awaits them. 

"It's all your fault," Taehyun spits, accusative and angry, because he feels like shit, he feels like nothing really matters anymore - not even Mino. 

Mino scoffs. "Fuck you, Taehyun," he retorts, provoking and he says that a lot lately. 

"You go fuck yourself, Mino, you made us like this." It was meant to be about the car but it just sounds like Taehyun is talking about how pathetic they are and maybe he is. 

The end up one above the other, cursing and throwing fists messily, saying stuff they never thought they would say to each other before. For a split second Taehyun remembers the day they met and how good and happy everything seemed, how promising their story was and he wonders how they managed to ruin everything. Mino looked flawless with his blond hair and torn blue jeans. He had a stunning smile and he gave Taehyun's glitters and hope and beautiful lies. Taehyun too, at that time, used to feel so young, so strong, ready to go anywhere but now he's as exhausted as someone who lived ten times. 

-

From that point their journey turn into dodging in trains to move around or hitchhiking and making out on the open back of trucks. They're always changing places, never staying anywhere, forever going around because they don't have a home anymore and too many debts to pay back. 

-

After that, days are made of blurry images and running around unknown cities, doing stupid stuffs like writing on the walls and being chased by the cops. It's also made of cries and rage and love and shooting themselves up in dirty public bathrooms. 

-

They try to quit on a Tuesday. They're in a city which Taehyun can't remember the name nor how they got there. They wandered around for a bit, bought their doses, Taehyun sang in the street for some money, they stole food and alcohol at a convenience store and then they slept in a park for a few hours. But now they want to quit. They talked about it for months but it's only now that they decide to try it for real.

Mino uses all the money they have left to rent a motel room for a few days. He put chairs and furniture in front of the door so they can't leave if they want to and then they wait. 

At first it's easy. They watch TV for a bit, Mino takes him face down against the mattress, they sleep, they take a shower. And then comes the hard part. 

It starts with Mino walking around the room nervously, rummaging in the bathroom like he hopes to find heroin in there. Taehyun starts sweating badly, his t-shirt sticking to his skin until it's fully damped. 

And then it hurts. It hurts so bad Taehyun cries, throws himself around the room, wants to pull the hair out of his head. Mino too, he's crouched on the floor, breathing uneven and repeating that he can't do it. 

They stay like this for two days. When they're not sweating or going around every corners of the room in search of something that will make them feel better, they sleep. A few times a day, especially after eating - some snacks they bought before locking themselves up - Taehyun feels sick and has to rush to the bathroom. 

After this couple of days, they feel slightly better. Taehyun can stand on his legs enough to go take a shower and wash away all the sweat. He knows it's his body getting rid of the drugs and the addiction but he still finds it gross. "Go wash up," he tells Mino who is staring blankly out of the window once he comes out. 

Mino retorts that he should just shut up and Taehyun doesn't insist. He knows how hard it is. 

 

Finally after two weeks and when they're sure all the addiction is gone from their system, they leave the motel. They don't pay because they don't have the money but the owner doesn't ask them - probably startled by their appearances and already aware of what they did in their room. 

"It's better this way, right?" Taehyun asks, suddenly unsure when they step outside and are back on the streets. Mino is aware that what makes people go back to drugs is usually hanging out with people who are doing it themselves. Since they stopped together, it should work out just perfectly.

"Of course. Now we can just focus on music or on finding a job and everything else." Mino sounds confident, hopeful even and Taehyun nods. He should just trust him.

Mino should have sensed it at that time, the uneasiness in Taehyun, how sad he was and how much he needed the drugs. It wasn't just something he got caught on, for Taehyun it was something that made him feel safe and good enough and he just couldn't resist the temptation.

-

It takes only one week and a half before Taehyun comes back to the apartment they're staying at - a guy they met in a bar and who offered them to stay for a while - and his pupils are so dilated, Mino can't be mistaken. "What the fuck, Taehyun?," he yells, shoving him against the wall but Taehyun just shrugs.

He speaks with a quiet, drawling voice, "It's okay, it's just a one time thing." Mino feels betrayed, feels like all their efforts were useless and he promises Taehyun he won't touch heroin again. He can go down alone.

-

His promise doesn't last long as Taehyun comes back one night with two doses and as he waits for the substance to mix up until it's ready in his spoon, Mino can't help but stare. He tries not to look obvious, to convince himself he's better like this, that Taehyun is wrong and he should be strong for both of them but then Taehyun nears him a belt and a needle.

"Don't," Mino warns him as he comes to sit in his lap but Taehyun doesn't listen, wrapping the leather around his arm and it feels familiar. Mino tries to protest, to push Taehyun off but then he's leaning forward and kissing him and the heroin is back in his blood like an old friend. 

Mino's head roll to the side and Taehyun has to maintain him. They kiss again, fervently, sloppily, barely aware of what they're doing and they're back to the beginning all over again.

-

It starts again; the nights wandering in the streets, the begging for money, the stealing in shops for food, the sleeping on benches or in unlocked cars. It starts again and soon they forget they even wanted to stop at one point.

There isn't moments of happiness anymore. Every dose used to make Taehyun felt like he was in paradise, now it just makes him feel a little better for a few hours before he's aching all over again. Mino makes it better sometimes, by getting him good doses or by appeasing him with his words but most of the time, they just don't talk about it.

Sometimes Taehyun wants to leave but he looks at the guy beside him and he knows he can't. He loves him too much, even if he's aware of what they're doing to themselves.

-

After a few months Taehyun eventually looses notion of time, he doesn't know the places they're in anymore, he doesn't how long it has been. He can only focus on the next dose he'll have, on Mino licking his thighs at night and on how he feels like dying most of the time. He's depressed lately. He knows it's the drugs. It makes him feel like killing himself, like he's worth nothing and Mino doesn't really help; he's dealing with it too. 

-

They're racing against time. They won't last long that way, Taehyun is aware. He doesn't need to go back to the doctor to tell that his body won't resist anymore. They're so skinny they might disappear, they're so weak each dose feels like a gamble against faith. 

Days, weeks, months, they lost count. It seems like a lifetime passed since they left their hometown, since they met with their friends. They wouldn't recognize them anymore anyway. It's just the two of them and heroin - heroin's always there. Taehyun never felt so lonely before, never felt so out of the world. Mino too, but he doesn't say it. Mino is just as miserable. They are both as pathetic as junkies can get.

-

They're in a shitty motel room again. They barely managed to earn enough for their dose today but they know it's going to start all over again tomorrow. Taehyun is crying again, somewhere in the corner of the room, he says it's the drug who does that, or Mino sometimes. Mino doesn't care much because all he wants is to get out of this shitty life. It was nice at first, hanging out with Taehyun, spending days high and fucking around until dawn, until the next dose, listening to Taehyun's singing. Now it's not so much fun anymore. He's tired, fucking tired. He lost so much weight since they first met that he's pretty sure he'll die soon. He wants to stop all of that. He wants to have a good normal life. It's not fun anymore.

"I'm quitting," he says, fiddling with the bed's blankets. Taehyun stops crying and his head jerks upward. His eyes are red-rimmed.

"What? What did you say?" He raises to come sit on the bed. He looks like a mess, wearing the same clothes since months ago, his hair too long and his bones showing.

"I said I'm quitting heroin and all that. I'm going back home," he speaks seriously but Taehyun chuckles. He doesn't believe him. Mino often rambles about him getting clean.

"Bullshits." Taehyun mutters as he lies on the bed, but Mino doesn't stop.

"I'm doing it, Taehyun, I'm really doing it. Tomorrow I'm leaving and I won't come back." He says like he would say anything but Taehyun bolts up, his legs shaking slightly. 

He draws closer to Mino, suddenly menacing and tears falling out again. "You're leaving me then? You're fucking leaving me? You fucking bastard!," he yells, overacting like the junkie he is, reaching for Mino's collar but missing. Mino is getting angry too, starting to push Taehyun around, to tell him to shut the fuck up.

Finally Taehyun calms down a bit, or he doesn't and starts sobbing harder and clings onto Mino. "Let's get clean together, okay? We always said we'll get clean together. We can make it, you know. We can," he repeats again and again but Mino just ignores him, pulling at his hair to get him to let go of his clothes.

"I'm not doing anything with you anymore! I'm sick of you! You made me like this, so fucking pathetic, you ruined me!," he shouts louder and louder and they might disturb the neighbors but none of them would dare knocking at some heroin addicts' door anyway. 

Mino finally storms out of the room to come back ten minutes later, smoking. Taehyun is crying again, quieter this time, just letting tears roll down his cheeks. 

"I fucking hate you, I swear," Mino curses out loud, pacing in the room, agitated. He eventually grows tired and they both collapse on the bed. They should sleep a few hours before going out again to go buy their next dose.

 

When Taehyun wakes up next, groggy and the withdrawal strong enough to make him sick, Mino is still next to him but he isn't moving. He should be though because he should be feeling as bad as Taehyun - if not worse - and they should already be out in the streets to look for drugs. 

But he isn't moving and it doesn't take long to Taehyun to realize what happened. He saw people overdosing before, he knows what it looks like. He can tell what a dead person looks like. 

He jumps off the bed, suddenly panicked, suddenly scared to even approach him. It takes him a few seconds to understand that he should get out of here as quickly as possible. He can't be put in jail for drugs possession or for being found with an overdosed corpse.

He gets out of the motel, running, forgetting his choker and their needles, and then he's out on the streets and he needs to find money to buy his dose.

-

One year later Taehyun is leaning against a photocopier tiredly waiting for his papers to come out. He's wearing a long sleeve shirt which hides perfectly the scars on his arms and his hair grew back enough to be styled properly. 

Taehyun isn't sure how he ended there, with a job and a pay every month but he somehow did. He doesn't now if it's better that way, if he should be thankful that he managed to get out of the deadly whirl he was caught in. 

Mino's death might have been a shock, maybe it was for the best. (He tries not to think about that but sometimes he just can't help it.)

When people ask what he was doing before becoming an office worker, which college he went to, where does he come from, Taehyun lies. He makes up another life - a proper life -, a life that isn't his but a life that doesn't make people uncomfortable. He never thought he would one day have to hide that, because he was so fucking proud of it, proud of Mino and how they didn't give a fuck about anything and anyone and managed to survive out of the system. 

He's worried sometimes Mino might watch from heaven and be angry or ashamed that Taehyun turned into a perfect human being, into the people they hated so much years ago. So Taehyun goes to church a lot. It's quite ironical, coming from someone like him, but it helps him put up with everything. In the solemn and reassuring church, listening to calm organ, Taehyun can allow his mind to wander back to the time when it was just the two of them, broken and self destructive but the two of them.

His parents like it that he prays so much, that he gave up on his boots and skinny jeans. Taehyun just thinks that he can't wear them without Mino beside him anymore.

Quitting heroin was the hardest and the easiest. It was hard because Taehyun was back to being himself, back to be alone, easy because without Mino, getting high wasn't that endearing anymore. 

Sometimes he dreams about taking out his formal shirt and putting his leather jacket back on and dying his hair and saying fuck off to everything to go live on his own but then he looks around and he's alone and it's too late for all that.

And Mino isn't there anymore.


End file.
